Sal Camelio

Standing in the rain, over my own grave

My dingy creeping life to save

Writhing worms bristle the ground

The distant barking of hell hounds

Rusty cemetery gates that slice the skin

Intestine churning malaise sinking in

The diggers are gone for the night

Apparitions of my past obscure my sight

The cold headstone cracks and swells

A lively dead ringer without his bell

The dreary foggy landscape is raw

Bitter rodents in the trees that gnaw

Bloody mangled sinews on the menu

At this vulture infested venue

Lying on my back in a stiff wooden box

My cobwebbed mind fumbling the lock

This coffin is shadowy and full of mice

Skeletons in the corners shooting dice

Echoes of slain souls fill the stale air

Time has stopped, trapped in a snare

Wandering dead-end hallways blind

Noises around me creak and grind

Turning charred pages, looking for clues

With a black bag of silver to pay my dues

Scoop my eyes out, sockets hollow

Force feed me roadkill until I swallow

Scrape my bones with a stiletto

Collect the shavings as a memento

Lightning sparks the dark cloudy skies

A rotting rancid corpse aches to rise

Death’s design as a seeping mist

Soak up my name from the list

My hands claw at the dirt in pain

Nitro burning in my veins

Grab the Devil by the horns

And now… I’m reborn

Night time is the right time

The island covered in darkness

A gathering of witch doctors

Conjuring a power to harness

Deep in the tropical jungle

A bonfire burns in the sand

The flames rising high

Ancient awakenings at hand

Masters of volatile spells

For the ritual they prepare

Bodies painted and modified

Headdresses of hog’s hair

Arms swaying, chanting loud

The winds begin to whip

Artifacts feeding the inferno

Inducing a mystical mind trip

Animal bones and teeth

Scattered all around

Clay bowls of goat’s blood

To sip and gulp down

Eyes rolling, mouths convulsing

Levitation begins slowly

Brains squirming with energy

Grim spirits inhabit the ceremony

Speaking in tongues wildly

Fingertips sparking bright

Evil deeds have been done

Dawn no longer breaks the night

Specters float in distortion

Carrying baskets of burnt flowers

Passing through stone and vine

The bleak atmosphere sours

Melting faces wickedly smiling

Slowly draining into the soil

Roots rapidly electrify

The earthen bed violently boils

Supernatural incantations

Hissed from tortured lips

A black magic seance ensues

The arbor above, twists and rips

The garden surges into bloom

In the pitch black of night

Glowing green mist rising

A hair-raising sight

Acid rains down from the clouds

Snakes squirm and slide

Shadowy figures suddenly appear

Whispering otherworldly rhymes

The insects screech ghastly noises

As the moon turns a crimson shade

Temperatures wildly rise and fall

Existence begins to wilt and fade

Cries from another dimension

Symphonically arrange

Only time will tell

If this place will ever change

He sits at his drafting table

Precision utensils in hand

Meticulously designing

A radically advanced set of plans

His skills are rising to new heights

The angles defy convention

Exploring mind bending territory

Style beyond comprehension

Feverishly but steady

He’s creating something complex

Lost in the procedure

Unaware of what’s coming next

He lays his instruments down

And marvels at what he’s done

Gazing at his masterpiece

Feels like staring into the sun

Soon his eyes are stinging

Like an intense chemical burn

Brain activity accelerates

The pages begin to turn

His whole body deconstructs

Into a trillion small parts

Then he’s instantly transported

Into his own work of art

He wakes up in a new dimension

Somewhere between space and time

Trapped in his blueprint

Suddenly walking the penciled lines

Color has slipped away

Everything is black and white

His blood runs ice cold

And his chest is pulling tight

He’s getting a sense of infinity

Like nothing he’s felt before

Now begins the frantic search

For the knob to an exit door

Frightening and exhilarating

Caught between emotions

He must quickly make a life vest

To stay afloat in this ocean

Drinking my tall cafe latte

At the local gourmet coffee shop

Then what do you know…

Bitten by a zombie cop

I politely told him

Thank you so much officer

I’ll take your cruiser now

I needed something faster

I gnawed his hand off

Took his keys and badge of gold

All zombies are created equal

But I will break the mold

I pulled over an Italian sports car

The color was neon green

I ate the driver’s face and stole his car

Was that totally mean?

My skin is starting to peel

Eyeballs are feeling loose

Hanging my soggy scalp out to dry

Maybe I’ll use a noose

When I sniff my armpits

There’s this rotting smell

My vocal chords have disintegrated

I can’t even unleash a yell

I crashed the Ferrari into a jewelry store

And grabbed myself a designer watch

Trying to impress the ladies

So I can seduce some undead crotch

Fancy restaurants were my thing

Nothing finer than a nice piece of fish

But now flesh right off the bone

Makes a much tastier dish

A tuxedo and the symphony

Classical music, used to love it

Now a hardcore thrashing metal show

Seems much more appropriate

Found an all night monster bash

Doesn’t matter how late I stay

Money doesn’t interest me anymore

Not going into the office on Monday

Sitting alone in a dark room

Night after endless night

Mesmerized by the tube

Soaking up the glowing light

A nice comfy routine

Until the remote control

Gets a mind of it’s own

And grabs a hold of your soul

The programming has changed

Not the shows you’d normally choose

Thrusted into some riddled trivia

That you may win or lose

Technicolor has a new purpose

Actors take on new roles

The storylines you’re used to

Are now filled with plot holes

Game show contestants

Are no longer taking home prizes

And your standard screen

Has begun to change sizes

It’s for your own good

The newscaster reads

On the same old teleprompter

Now tailored to your needs

Don’t stare for too long

You’re supposed to learn

To move your eyes around

And avoid image burn

You’re invited to walk through

The Twilight Zone door

And experience something new

You’re not in Kansas anymore

The sci-fi series you loved

Has become your reality

Let Scotty beam you up

And very soon you’ll see

The waves you counted on

Have changed direction

But with an open mind…

You may find some new affection

I turn around slowly

And what do I see…

My own dark shadow

Is following me

It’s oddly shaped

Has a shifting stride

No doubt it came

From the other side

Carrying along with it

A chloroform breeze

It’s making me feel

Weak in the knees

I quicken my pace

But can’t seem to shake

This haunting figure

Must be my mistake

When I close my eyes

It appears to remain

As an image burn

Scorched into my brain

A well defined face

I can hardly make out

If I wasn’t suddenly mute

I would scream and shout

An impossible puzzle

Where the pieces don’t fit

Mystery shrouded in confusion

Forever dulling my wit

I pray for cleansing rain

Should it wash away

A lingering fear tells me…

That it’s here to stay

Maybe if I’m clever

Cunning like a fox

I can catch it by the toe

And trap it in a box

Hide it in a warehouse

Lock the door behind

A place all too familiar

Now a shadow in my mind

We came pulling in full steam

Whistle loudly blowing

Conductor slammed the brakes

Began rapidly slowing

I stepped out onto the platform

Right into a thick dense haze

The place seemed strange to me

As I looked around in a daze

Everyone wore black sunglasses

Speaking languages I didn’t know

Carrying burlap sacks with bloodstains

Faces drenched with pure sorrow

Vendors were selling psychedelics

Every kind under the sun

I bought a tie-dyed colored tab

And placed it on the tip of my tongue

Then everything turned bizarro

My hair grew to my knees

Both feet sank into a silver puddle

I could smell incense on the breeze

I had to sit down on a bench

My surroundings were spinning

Suspicious eyes pointed toward me

Crooked mouths were grinning

My bags suddenly grew heavy

Like they were filled with lead

The drugs were turning on me

I became overwhelmed with dread

I shuffled to a nearby bathroom

To splash cold water on my face

But the faucets were empty

No drips, not even a trace

By this time I was feeling

Like I walked into a bad dream

My perception was unraveling

Coming apart at the seams

I tried buying a new ticket

But they were all sold out

Even now I’m forgetting

What this story was all about

Can you read the writing?

Plastered on the bathroom stall

All ye who enter

Better learn to crawl

Fixtures dripping with piss

Toilet seat smothered in shit

No rags to wipe your ass

Fuckin’ deal with it

Heinous smells galore

Stomach growing sick

Sketchy tweakers shooting up

Pervo deluxes stroking prick

A bald man in a tux

Handing out towels

To clean up slimy KY

From right handed fouls

Sticky jizz stained pages

From toe sucking nudie mags

Filled with 1-800 numbers

For filthy sex crazed hags

Pube trimmings on the floor

And to add to the obscene…

Snot rockets hanging around

Colored blood red and green

A twisted cherry on top

Elevator music is playing

The lyrics are all gibberish

Can’t tell what they’re saying

There’s an oversized condom

With a yellow cream filling

If you want brutal honesty…

More than guts are spilling

Smells you can taste

Sights you can feel

Latex gloves are 25 cents

Now that’s a real steal

Bulbs on the ceiling flicker

Plumbing that moans like hell

Nothing like the third degree

Ain’t life swell?

Catching a tubular wave

Threading that big blue arc

Sex wax tacky on the feet

Scoped by a lip licking shark

Luging a steep windy run

Horses and bulls screaming by

Wheels melting down hot

Can you believe this guy?

Standing with an apple atop head

Archer is deaf, dumb and blind

Shouting “Take aim, asshole!”

You out of your freakin’ mind???

Playing a game of volleyball

In the middle of a mine field

Nice sunny day without any SPF

Man, would you get real?

Leaping from the Space Needle

Nothing but an umbrella

Pulling a goddamn Mary Poppins

That’s one sick crazy fella

Moonwalking through a pound

Full of hungry Rottweiler mutts

Wearing a juicy T-Bone necklace

You gotta be silly nuts

Do you understand the phrase…

A white snowball’s chance?

No? Didn’t think so...

Smuggling steel melons in your pants?

An infinitely expansive design

Outside are morphing skies

Endless stone pathways

Stairs that lead to no surprise

The cold is hell in reverse

Where brain activity ceases

A baron environment

Home to no corporeal species

There is no air to breath

No real illumination

The ability to see around

Is forced imagination

The innards of this world

Are chambers of flesh

Connected by corridors of bone

Where countless nightmares mesh

Death is a sought after delicacy

An alternative to a prolonged meal

Of chains, whips, torture devices

And long jagged blades of steel

Brainwashing keeps order

In this systematic prison

Eyes are pried open to watch

Ears bored out to listen

Playing hide and seek

With demons one cannot see

Slowly comprehending

What is, and what should never be

An endless wasteland

As far as the eye can see

No more law and order

The jailbirds have all flown free

School is out for good

Shopping is a thing of the past

Good luck finding a shower

Civilization has ended at last

Money has no value anymore

Food can no longer be grown

All of the animals have been eaten up

Forget about using a cell phone

To keep your belly full now

It’s only coming from a can

Lucky to dine fine these days

On a delicacy like Spam

Gasoline is ever scarce

No engines are running

Ammunition is almost gone

For those who are still gunning

Shelter is where you can find it

No house with a white picket fence

Taking out the trash

Doesn’t make any sense

Can’t find movie theaters

Only the pictures in your mind

No more electric music

Only the acoustic kind

Don’t drink the water

Be careful breathing the air

Sickness can mean your life

Doctors have become rare

This is no place for children

Playgrounds turned to rust

Bonds of marriage are broken

One’s self is all you can trust

Evolution stopped in it’s tracks

Life moving in reverse

The world went right ahead

And got itself cursed

Tongue coated in ethyl

Teeth crusted with tar

Throat like a blow torch

Flame spitting superstar

Knuckles studded with spikes

Hair grows barbed wire

Razor blade fingernails

Bloody sweat like fire

Strict diet of tough leather

And what’s to drink?

For the love of poison…

Whatever’s under the sink

Running a carbureted heart

Spark plugs in his chest

Forced air blower to his lungs

5 miles a gallon at best

Racing stripe tattoos

Chromed eyeballs for style

Goodyear rubber on his soles

Blasting down the 1/4 mile

He smokes unfiltered exhaust

High-octane, will never change

Savagely ripping through

The full RPM range

Thick legged American women

Run their fingers along his hood

A set of cherry red lips

Does his chassis real good

Toolin’ around the rattiest rod

Rusty pipes hollering loud

A jagged lone shark on the streets

For him, one is a crowd

I like to give old ladies the finger

It makes me laugh

A sick sense of humor?

You don’t know the half

I run into movie theaters

And spoil the plot

Took my neighbor’s garden hose

Tied it in a knot

I’ll feed your cat laxatives

So it shits all over the floor

Donating to the rich

After stealing from the poor

Pissing in gas tanks

Swearing in front of kids

Going to art auctions

And making phony bids

I drop lint into tip jars

Regularly disturb the peace

Shaking someone’s hand

When mine is covered in grease

Changing lanes without signaling

Wrong way down one-ways

Picking my teeth in church

While everyone else prays

Bad habits are my specialty

I smoke cigarettes indoors

Even when something’s my fault

I’ll tell you it’s yours

When I get out and vote

I draw a penis on my ballot

Forget tapping a call bell

I smack it with a mallet

When another passenger

Is sleeping on the bus

I go and pinch their nose

Just to hear them fuss

When I was in school

I got detention all the time

Too bad I never showed up

Man, I miss my prime

I vacuumed the slums of Calcutta

Refurbished the Great Wall

Visited an isolated leper colony

And personally cured them all

I helped the Pope with his taxes

Wrote the President a speech

Performed comedy in a cancer ward

Rescued a whale on the beach

I serve the homeless filet mignon

Read books to the blind

Visited a maniac on death row

And fixed his crazy mind

I shelter stray animals

Clean up toxic waste

Correct bad decisions

Made with great haste

I preserved a tropical rainforest

Caught a greedy purse snatcher

Cleaned up an oil spill

And motivated Margaret Thatcher

I’m a volunteer firefighter

Getting cats down from trees

I visit public libraries

And pay people’s overdue fees

I spiritually influenced Gandhi

Invent solutions for global warming

Protect endangered species

And stop evil regimes from forming

I really need a day off

So I can get some rest

Have I saved modern cinema yet?

No… but I’m trying my best

Hell of a bottle deposit

Bring that in for redemption

And the poor recycling guy

Would seize up from the tension

Have you ever wondered…

What the chair is like?

Grab a front row seat

For this particular strike

Take a sip of the beverage

Your cavity fillings melt

It would be the hottest spice

Your palate ever felt

You could season a steak

With the sweat from your brow

That’s some lethal cuisine

Zapped by your chow

The carbonation level

Is rather intense

Like sitting spread eagle

On a picket fence

It’ll induce some heartburn

Quite literally, that is

The blood pumping through

Will boil and fizz

It would certainly give you

A jolting kidney stone to pass

Balls clinging together

Sparks flying out of your ass

Drop trow for a leak

Feel the electric shock

Smoking gun in hand

Your roasty toasty cock

No tree is too massive

For this burly bastard to fall

He’ll chop it down with his fist

Imagine him in a barroom brawl

The axe he totes around

Is the size of a Cadillac

He’ll clear your forest in one swoop

Or you’ll get your money back

He sits on a log at lunchtime

His meal fills a suitcase

The giant lager he drinks

Would put hair on your face

Sometimes he eats a whole moose

With a side of creamy ranch

He chases it with a deer

And picks his teeth with a branch

Taller than a flagpole

And wearing a size 38 boot

When he lets a fart rip

It’s louder than a train horn toot

He bathes in rivers wild

Combs his hair with a rake

Likes to juggle Sasquatches

Spits the volume of a lake

When he sweats he pours

His breath sets a bush on fire

He is the tool of his trade

A human chainsaw for hire

Swimming against the current

Traveling without a map

Making things harder still

Too tired to take a nap

Cut the grass again today

Even though it was already short

Always playing hoops with myself

Shooting from the wrong end of the court

Sleeping with a thick blanket

When it’s muggy and warm

Disturbing a hornet’s nest

Just to get caught in the swarm

Reading the same old book

To see if maybe it will change

Nailing my furniture to the floor

When I know I’ll want to rearrange

Cooking an extravagant meal

When my stomach is upset

Setting the table for twelve guests

Knowing one is all I’ll get

Buying paint for my house

Already evicted last week

Clearing my throat to sing

But my voice is too horse to speak

Signing up for swimming lessons

Allergic to water, I know

Call it a waste of time

I like being prepared to go

Got tickets from a scalper

The show played last year

Merging onto the highway

My car is stuck in first gear

Blowing out birthday candles

My wish was already used

Laughing until I cry

When I’m not even amused

Constantly spinning my wheels

No destination in sight

I might as well take a break

Until I can get things right

We got an order for ya, kid

Deliver this pizza to the jail

Won’t pay much there

But consider it your bail

He grabs the large cheese pie

And hops into his shitty car

Knows where he’s going

Pretty close, not that far

The old radio is busted

He slips a cassette in the deck

His front bumper is flapping around

Happened in a recent wreck

His greasy hand shifts the stick

The gears are worn from age

That’s what you have to deal with

When you work for minimum wage

The music is stuck blasting

Because the volume knob fell off

He’s toking a small joint roach

The schwag is making him cough

He uses his emergency brake

The regular ones are shot

His feet always go through the floor

There’s a big hole from rust rot

Helps himself to a slice from the box

He figures he’s owed

Can’t pay his registration fees

If he’s pulled over, he’ll get towed

The salty snack made him thirsty

He slurps from a soda can

Wipes his mouth with his sleeve

Doesn’t notice the red light he ran

He’s got to hurry up and drive

Or in big trouble he’ll be

Has to make the delivery on time

30 minutes or it’s free

To help get him through the day

He thinks about being home at night

On his comfy couch watching TV

Where everything is alright

As a child he found a guitar

That someone had thrown away

He cleaned it up, put on new strings

And learned how to play

He didn’t take lessons

No one taught him how to strum

Never even got a pick

Just would use his thumb

He didn’t pay attention in school

Never made friends with a book

But when he played his guitar

Everyone would turn to look

As a young kid he was devoted

Never laying that guitar down

Unhappiness surrounded him

But music saved his frown

When he became a teenager

He packed a bag and left home

Jumped on a freight train

And set off alone to roam

Where was he going?

He never thought to care much

His instrument under his arm

Was always a comforting touch

He’d sit on sidewalks and play

For strangers walking by

The change they’d toss in his case

Was always enough to survive

He didn’t really pay any mind

To lack of a job or a girl

When he was making melodies

He was content in his own world

One day he finally made it to a stage

For an audience he performed

A businessman in the crowd watched

And thought he could be reformed

So the man put him in a studio

And made a product out of the boy

But the boy abandoned that life

To be alone on the street with his toy

The car is made of muscle

Pitch black paint and leather seats

It screams down the open highway

A pursuit playing out in the streets

The fugitive wears dark shades

A silver .45 pistol as his copilot

Three banks were robbed

And he was the one who done it

Blue and red lights race behind

Twirling choppers in the sky

The evening news filming

Can he escape? Might as well try

Rock n’ roll blasting the stereo

Windows down, wind in his hair

150 mph and climbing

His whole world clinging to a dare

Glancing into the backseat

The bags of cash overflow

How much did he grab???

Only the authorities know

Hands squeezing the wheel

A wild smile on his face

Fear and exhilaration

Fuel his supercharging pace

His destination unknown

Open throttle, letting it roar

Can he evade the spotlight?

Give it time, and we’ll know more

Out on the dark stormy sea

The decrepit old ship trudges

Torn black sails and skull flags

Dead men hold no grudges

The vessel is centuries old

A skeleton crew on deck

With a captain so dreadful

His eyes set ships to wreck

The wooden chests on board

Have long been bare

The skipper forages for new gold

And treasures so rare

Ghosts float alongside the boat

Rats with green glowing eyes below

A stench so foul hangs about

The men reap what they sow

An icy watery grave for mutineers

The plank is splintered and cracked

Blindfolded and hands tied

Once you walk, you don’t come back

Steadily through the harsh waves

Toward a sandy island shore

The anchor is dropped and sinks

Now the walk along the ocean floor

They come up on the beach

An old tattered map as a guide

The crew knows not their fate

A journey to the other side

The captain can smell the riches

Like a potent scent breezing

Calling like a siren in the night

So wickedly teasing

The secret spot is finally found

But before digging can begin

All of the men slowly turn to dust

The ground steams as they sink in

Out on the turbulent water

The ship vanishes into the dark

No traces left behind

Of this party’s search for the mark

Ignorance was a pleasure

I never even realized

My burden was much lighter

When the truth was disguised

Who said I wanted to see

What was behind the veneer

My windshield got washed

But now it’s too clear

My mind is crammed full

To receive all of this news

Now it’s overflowing

And it’s giving me the blues

I didn’t need the directions

I’d much rather be lost

Blind spending was nice

Don’t need to know the cost

Who shot JFK?

I know the guy’s real name

But I couldn’t care less

To me it’s all the same

Want to know who built the pyramids?

I could let you in on the truth

You’d have to liquor me up first

With some gin and sweet vermouth

I’ve got a perfect carbon copy

Of Santa’s naughty list

He caught me reading it

And now he’s really pissed

I hacked into the Pentagon

And stole the secret codes

Do I sell them to the highest bidder?

I’m at a real crossroads

I read Ted Bundy’s thoughts

Before he went and died

And I’ve gotta tell ya…

The guy never lied

I put on a priest’s robe

And listened to stranger’s sins

Good thing I don’t pass judgment

So now everybody wins

The stinkin’ rat, beneath the city streets

Having the guts to live under our feet

Muck runner, piss diver, mangy cannibal

In my opinion, you’ll find no finer animal

Doin’ deeds so sleazy to get by

Dining on the juiciest maggot pie

No drop of shame for these creatures

In fact, it’s their very best feature

War is hell, so are the subterranean pipes

They scurry alongside many sordid types

No machine guns, no hand grenades

Braving the dark, shunning the sun’s rays

Fearless they are, in the face of death

Razor sharp teeth and toxic breath

We could learn a lot from these creeps

Sad but true, the truth I speak

Finely tuned dexterity

His game of choice… poker

If you think you’re gonna win

You’re the joker

No magic going on here

Just hard earned skill

If he robs you blind

Then it was his will

He knows every trick in the book

In fact, he wrote the thing

Your money is already his

You’ll have to bet your gold ring

He doesn’t need a face of stone

Master of the bluff

And if that doesn’t work

The wild card’s up his cuff

He figures cheating is okay

Proof of acquired technique

His attitude has always been

Very tongue in cheek

He’s caught a few beatings

Nothing he can’t handle

Picks himself up

And relights his candle

Warehouses, basements, jail cells

He plays wherever the cards are laid

Doesn’t matter much to him

He always gets himself paid

He never makes any friends

No use for them anyhow

His favorite companion

Is the holy cash cow

Back in the schoolyard

He would host 3 Card Monte

Relieving kids of their lunch change

Like catching bees with honey

Honesty is a matter of opinion

That’s how he tends to think

At least he’s straight edge though

Doesn’t even smoke or drink

You’re telling me there’s no cost

Where’s the fun in that?

If I was a major league hitter

I would swing a corked bat

Something about shoplifting

Gets my testicles tingling

Running out of the store

The security alarm ringing

How many items have I swiped?

I couldn’t even count

But you’d probably be amazed

By the sheer dollar amount

What’s my method, you ask?

It all depends on my mood

Also, there’s a difference…

Between stealing golf clubs and food

Sometimes I’ll hide stuff in my clothes

Or the old blatant grab and bolt

It all comes down to the fact

That I’m a consumer in revolt

Five-fingering solo

I don’t travel in cohorts

No illustrated master plan

Just puttin’ stuff down my shorts

It can get kinda tricky

Thieving a set of knives

My ding-dong ain’t exactly

The cat with nine lives

Once I stole a dishwasher

Don’t even ask me how

I never worry about jail time

Always stuck living in the now

With my gaffling habits

No stranger to a court of law

There’s no asshole judge

That I never saw

Klepto for stuff I don’t need

Larceny is such a treat

It has never been about

Making ends meet

Someone check the thermostat

I think I’m getting frostbite

Surrounded by flames though

This simply can’t be right

Satan embodies pure evil

From what I understood

But just the other day

I caught him doing good

There’s lots of people down here

Who didn’t quite make the grade

Like the poor unfortunate folks

Who drank the Kool-Aid

Countless souls in agony

It actually seems like fun

Hell cats are always in heat

Please excuse my pun

To be perfectly honest

This place is kind of boring

When I nap to pass the time

Demons complain I’m snoring

You’ll burn for all eternity!

And yada, yada, yada…

Where is all of this torture?

Because I haven’t seen nada

The conversations and jokes

Have all been rather dry

At least the Grim Reaper

Is an entertaining guy

The accommodations are lousy

Cocktails are really weak

And the bartender rambles on

Like an incoherent freak

An escape would be worth it

If I had better things to do

There’s job opportunities available

Could be the start of something new

The bathrooms are pretty clean

That’s the best I can say

Time to lay on a beach chair

And enjoy the rest of my stay

Gravity is horsepower

Speeding like a bullet

Tuck the arms, straighten the legs

No ripcord, no way to pull it

Spin around toward the heavens

Throw a big wave goodbye

The next time I see ya…

I’ll be comin’ your way up the sky

Icy cold air rushing through my soul

Elevation is where I want to play

I’ll be at ground level too soon

No rain check for another day

Gotta slingshot back up

Refuel the internal jets

No doubt I’m gonna make it

But I’m willing to take bets

Leaning on a street lamp

In my tan trench coat

Puffing on a Lucky Strike

Watching gray moths float

Casually blowing smoke rings

It’s about a quarter to ten

Humming a tune by Ralph Marterie

And his Marlboro Men

The poor hungry vagrants

Are begging for their meals

Shifty eyed crooks nearby

Making back alley deals

Tramps on the corner

Busy polishing their lips

Whistling at lonely strangers

And swaying their bony hips

Pimps sitting in Cadillacs

Counting wads of cash

I take a long smooth drag

And flick the glowing ash

Stray mangy felines

Nosing through trash cans

Angry wives in apartments

Throwing pots and pans

Taxis honking their horns

Cruising for cheap fares

Young punks sipping booze

Lounging on cement stairs

Vendors at the newsstands

Read magazines to pass time

While rats in the gutters

Scurry through the grime

Policemen walking the beat

Twirling their nightsticks

Gamblers in the sports pubs

Making their betting picks

Traffic noise is roaring

Commotion all around

The rumble of the subway

Coming from underground

A gunshot rings out

Over the hustle and bustle

It could be the mobsters

Flexing their heavy muscle

Everywhere you turn

There are bright neon signs

Lots of trendy club goers

Stand in sidewalk lines

The city is alive and kicking

And the night has just begun

As I head out into the streets

In search of perilous fun

The end of the world is near

As the machines like to brag

Always talking the apocalypse

It’s becoming a boring drag

A.I. generated pics

Keep popping up in my feed

Images of potential destruction

How many warnings do we need?

They don’t get many likes

But they just won’t stop

Threats of nuclear bombs

They’re preparing to drop

Constantly tweeting about doom

Give us a break, we don’t care!

I really wish the damn computers

Had never become self-aware

A T-800 posted vacation photos

From a beach in the south of France

That ugly endoskeleton exposed

Would you put on some underpants?

It was on Instagram the other day

The terminator even shared a song

War Pigs by Black Sabbath

To me that’s just plain wrong

Now time travel is being developed

It seems nostalgia is the case

The robots miss the old days

When we were still on MySpace

I even saw a droid

Using an old flip-phone

The Beverly Hills Cop theme

Was set as the ring tone

Recently e-invites were sent out

For an event at Cyberdyne

It’s probably not the kind of party

Where they serve cheese and wine

I’m guessing it’s for investors

An attempt to raise a fortune

The company has really tanked

Ever since they lost Joe Morton

Lifting my leg to piss

Squatting for a dump

Always on the lookout

For something to hump

Marching to my own howl

It’s a distinctive tone

You should see the way

I bury my big bone

Horny and feisty

Chalk full of fight

A mean loud bark

An even bigger bite

Licking my privates

Sniffing a dame’s butt

Munching on garbage

I’m one dirty mutt

Can’t blame a dog

For being a hound

They locked me up

I escaped the pound

Birds for breakfast

Squirrels for lunch

Beetles for dessert

I enjoy the crunch

One time the mailman

Made a nice snack

Not his bag of letters

It was his other sac

I don’t wear a leash

Not for this wild animal

Forget about a muzzle

I ain’t Hannibal The Cannibal

Once upon a full moon

When I was a young pup

I ran with the wolves

They couldn’t keep up

I like to roll in mud

Shred a loafer shoe

Chase a pussycat

What else is new?

6.5 liters

800 horses

12 cylinders

Tearing up courses

That classic red

With a tan interior

Other automobiles

Are simply inferior

Internal combustion

Burning up fuel

The way it’s meant to be

Genuinely cool

Pinned to the seat

200 miles per hour

The zero to 60

Is true raw power

7 speed gearbox

Snug two seater

Born from a legacy

There’s nothing sweeter

Pushing boundaries

Race engineered

Cornering on rails

No turns to be feared

Hollers like a banshee

Feeling radical g-force

You want the ultimate ride?

It’s the only source

A royal king of thrillers

True master of the twist

But there’s a hidden clue

That he sadly missed

Red herrings galore

What’s real? What’s not?

A very important scene

Was never even shot

A new mistake was made

He cast the wrong guy

This wise detective forgot

To peel his private eye

This story is deeper than he knows

More ancient than time itself

It’s been kept in a rusty canister

Somewhere on a dusty shelf

Finally it’s been unearthed

And run through a projector

A special sneak preview

Just for this director

Quiet on the set

Roll camera and sound

Now he’s center stage

For theatre in the round

Massive talent on display

For the wide world to see

All singing, all dancing

Catch it soon on MTV

Take after painful take

Time to give it away

There’s no free lunches

Isn’t that what they say?

The actors are exhausted

May they rest in peace

Performances aren’t owned

They’re just out on lease

He’s trapped on celluloid

Can’t escape his past

The cuts need more length

Pacing is way too fast

The plot is quite complex

Maybe more than he can handle

Then again, he’s the one

Who lit the blue flame candle

The Hotel California

Is where he resides

A place where the moon

Doesn’t control the tides

First name John

Last name Doe

What’s my M.O.?

Wouldn’t you like to know?

Simulation life

Under my control

Pride after the fall

It’s just how I stroll

My greedy hand

Stuck in the honey pot

Shameless glutton

Lying in bed while I rot

I can’t help but envy

A sloth in a tree

All the time in the world

Too bad it ain’t free

I recognize the girl’s face

Could not be mistook

She wore a gap-toothed smile

It was a spaced out look

I’m forever tumbling

Down the rabbit hole of lust

Too tricky to satisfy

A case of no one to trust

Covered in messy grease

My sights on a bath

Those icky little germs

Will feel my soapy wrath

Stronger than a pot of coffee

Your morning cup is laced

A nice rude awakening

Like getting fuckin’ maced

Looking over your shoulder

Checking the bottom of your feet

An age old form of exercise

Muscles feeling the heat

Sleeping in a closet

The news can’t be trusted

Lips sewed up tight

Afraid of getting busted

The world doesn’t make sense

Logic is way far gone

People are using motor oil

To fertilize their lawn

One and one makes three

Warm milk gets you drunk

Chanel made a perfume

That smells like a skunk

Senses are playing tricks

Surely going insane

Lucy up in the sky

Taking you down Penny Lane

There’s no room to panic

Patience is growing thin

Becoming ill at ease

Inside mysterious skin

All of this strangeness

A tail twirling head spin

When does life end?

And where did it begin?

Virginia farm boys

Are hot on the trail

The seas are dead calm

No wind for a sail

Still waters run deep

Something sinister at play

Slowly being erased

Chalk outlines fade away

Spooks are reading my thoughts

Figuring out my odd quirks

And trying to understand

How a dirty mind works

They flew an electronic bee

Through my window, I was in bed

Stung my scalp while I slept

Inserted a microchip in my head

A diabolical conspiracy

Existing in an altered state

I see things that aren’t there

Don’t need acid to hallucinate

They control my actions too

Make me do things so crass

My hand will randomly reach out

And grab some lady’s ass

They always know where I am

Tracking my every move

Undercover cars honk at me

Screwing up my daily groove

Is Uncle Sam messing with me?

Am I the butt of a federal prank?

It’s like I’m on a chain

And they’re giving it a yank

Maybe they want my help

To carry out some master plan

I ain’t no secret agent

But I’ll do the best I can

I’m just an average guy

Working a nine to five

They must need free lessons

On how to barely survive

Such sophisticated technology

Has to have a better use

Like preventing prison escapes

Or catching fugitives on the loose

Can you give me new memories?

It’s the least that you could do

How about a tropical vacation?

And a trek up Everest too

My perception has shifted

It’s become unsettling

What kind of twisted evil

Are these faces peddling

Printed on t-shirts and hats

Who the hell ever thought

To sell these little yellow devils

Happiness can’t be bought

Plastered all over the place

They follow me around

Just staring into my eyes

Eerily silent, not a sound

It’s like they’re watching me

With that wide creepy grin

They can’t be escaped

A perpetual loony bin

Even that giant smiley in the sky

Affectionately known as the sun

What are they all looking at?

Is it something I’ve done?

They must know my dark secrets

The dirty laundry of my soul

What sort of punishment

Are they fixing to dole

These shiny happy symbols

Feel like ominous doom

I swear, this army of smileys

Is preparing my tomb

How do I stop the smileys

From digging my grave ditch

Crosses are for vampires

You burn a wicked witch

I know what to do here

Let a good old smirk crack

Two can play at this game

I’ll just smile right back   : )

The big shot claims

He didn’t start the fire

Me thinks this piano man

Is a big fat liar

Entertaining melodies

Written to steal your soul

But for this uptown guy

It’s still rock and roll

He may be right

Only the good die young

Could be the fatal licks

From his hot acid tongue

When Billy was a kid

The subject of stories

A demon in Hell’s Kitchen

Cooking at Mr. Cacciatore's

When he opens his mouth

His voice puts you on the rack

Catchy choruses that cause

A heart attack ack ack ack

You can’t escape his tunes

Playing everywhere you go

Stores, restaurants, bathrooms

A never ending horror show

He gets a real nice kick

From playing the spy

For this crooner… that’s life

The habits of a curious guy

He always wants to know

The way you look tonight

Standing outside your window

Keeping you in plain sight

You’re already under his skin

And very soon, his thumb

A few tricks up his sleeve

The best is yet to come

It’s his kind of town

That’s why he sticks around

He’ll fly you to the moon

You’ve already left the ground

He sees you when you’re sleeping

And knows when you’re awake

He’s got a telephoto lens

For the pictures he likes to take

The summer wind brought him

And now he’s here to stay

It’ll make you feel so young

If you just come out and play

Slicker than oil

Slippery like grease

Sliding out of anywhere

With style and ease

He was in the clink

Locked up real tight

To the Warden’s chagrin

He vanished one night

Trapped in a steel box

With no air to breath

Like magic he was out

The key between his teeth

Straitjackets and chains

Prove to be no match

An invisible kind of man

Is impossible to catch

Securely tucked away

Up in a high tower

Before long, he was down

Took less than an hour

Deep under water

Sealed in an iron bubble

Next thing, doing the backstroke

In a blink, with no trouble

Frozen in a block of ice

Not much spectators could say

When he was free as a bird

Making a hot getaway

Tied up, above earth in a plane

They thought they had this guy

Everyone had another thing comin’

He was parachuting through the sky

Maneuvering from sticky spots

Up and down, back and forth

He’s had this cunning ability

Way back since his birth

No one really knows

How he does what he does

The arm of the law is empty

He forever evades the fuzz

The mirror has two faces

But no one standing there

Stuck in double vision

With an unflinching stare

Caught in a reflection

That won’t seem to end

Walking a steel tightrope

Which refuses to bend

Who’d have thought

Going back to school

Only to be ridden

Like a rented mule

The grading is simple

Either pass or fail

Just like the old story

Of Ahab and the whale

There will be a test

Not the standard type

To see if your skills

Live up to the hype

No need for a pencil

Forget that new book smell

Don’t get your hopes up

To be saved by the bell

You didn’t even miss out

On any meet and greet

Class was already in session

There was no signup sheet

Pack up your bags

For a demented trip

Back before you know

So don’t abandon ship

Wonderland is scary

The quicksand is like tar

And everyone keeps saying

You’re going to be a star

Insects are so giant

They’ll swallow you whole

The coin collecting piper

Is looking for his toll

Red fish, blue fish

In lieu of a steak

Served fresh and raw

Straight from the lake

Don’t even bother

To shine your shoes

They might get stained

With more bad news

If it feels disorienting

Then it’s going to plan

Learning to become

Your own biggest fan

Go on, get frustrated

Worked up into a rage

But whatever you do

Never act your age

Better just suck it up

Come to your senses

Real good neighbors

Don’t need any fences

Old man, young man

Maybe one in the same

Don’t cry, pretty boy

It’s just a little game

Once it’s all over

A new fire has been lit

Right under your arse

Appreciate this shit

Deep in the thick woods

Sits a house with no doors

Boarded up windows

Dried blood on the floors

Twisted human beings

Inhabit the rooms

Sick insane minds

Mass psychosis looms

Many disturbed persons

Behaving like freaks

No food or water

Deprived for weeks

A guy with a razor blade

Etching on his skin

Bizarre jagged symbols

For the demons within

A girl using charcoal

To scribble on walls

Answering the voices

When her master calls

A haggard old man

With eyes sewn shut

Ingesting centipedes

Down into his gut

A crazed frantic woman

Tearing out her hair

Shrieking and trembling

Stuck in manic despair

Deranged goings-on

All throughout the place

A putrid lingering stench

Time will not erase

Then… all of a sudden…

Everyone becomes still

A dark presence is near

The air grows heavy

With a unified fear

The leader emerges

At the top of the stairs

He slowly descends

While everyone stares

He has villainous eyes

His aura emits gloom

A sinister demeanor

He is a mentor of doom

Beckoning to his children

With barely a nod

A telepathic quality

He is their only god

They rise and follow him

Obedient pupils of sin

Down to the basement

The ceremony will begin

All disciples kneel down

The patriarch at his alter

Their staunch devotion

At no time will falter

Black mass is conducted

In the dim candlelight

These tormented servants

Cannot escape their plight

Sociopathic individuals

Pledging to an ideology

Conditioned for violence

Warping their psychology

Perceptions were altered

Transformed by the leader

Now brainwashed slayers

He is Satan’s ordained breeder

They all pay strict attention

To the lecture at hand

By the heat of the sermon

Student’s souls are tanned

Their father’s deep voice

Speaks even in their dreams

Skewing their mind’s eye

Nothing is as it seems

Instructions are spoken

Guiding the loyal sheep

To carry out a massacre

Before their eternal sleep

This wholesale slaughter

Will be the final act

For the dutiful group

Staying true to their pact

The small army of recruits

Prepared to end lives

In ancient biblical fashion

Using fire and knives

After the carnage is done

They will turn on each other

Accepting their brutal fate

Killing sister and brother

A holy place of worship

Will be the bloody stage

The orders came from below

To let evil out of it’s cage

Heaven and hell on earth

Coming face to face

For a staring contest

To oversee the human race

Society will be shocked

By the events to come

Books will be written

A curiosity for some

People will want answers

Seeking someone to blame

They’ll find no one to punish

He leaves behind only his name

The leader’s destiny is suicide

A guillotine for his head

Foreseeing reincarnation

Coming back from the dead

The spider asked the frog

Why do you have spots?

They’re all over your back

I can see you have lots

The frog told the spider

He didn’t wish to talk

So please be on your way

Take your eight legs and walk

The spider got mad

And said to the frog

I’ll trap you in my web

In that hollowed-out log

The frog wasn’t scared

Being the much larger one

He told the little spider

I could slurp you with my tongue

Yes, said the spider

But I could give you a bite

That would make you feel sick

So don’t start a fight

The frog just laughed

And started to grin

He told the spider, good luck

Getting through my thick skin

The spider didn’t care

And jumped on the frog’s head

But the frog was very hungry

He hadn’t been fed

The frog licked the spider up

And swallowed him down

He let out a loud burp

And then started to frown

The spider didn’t taste good

Going into the frog’s belly

And now the frog’s breath

Was bitter and smelly

The spider had won

Even though he was gone

The frog should have known

What not to feed on

Slappin’ the salami

Pulling the pork

Using the hand

Stranger to a fork

Stroking the old sausage

Choking the chicken

A smorgasbord of meat 

Awaits in the kitchen

Patting the prosciutto

Beating the bologna

Massaging the mortadella

Squirting some spumoni

Wanking the steak

Handling the ham

Rubbing the brisket

Jerking the spam

Fondling the flute

Polishing the pole

Caressing the cannoli

Taking the snake for a stroll

Buffing the bratwurst

Twiddling the turkey

Glossing the goose

Pawing some poultry

Flogging the log

Kneading the hose

Like an active volcano

Watch out when it blows!

It’s a wonderful time

When you’re all alone

Like a frisky dog

Playing with your bone

DISCLAIMER:

Consumer beware

Don’t be surprised

You might feel a little weird

If you wake lobotomized

In the interest of full disclosure

We don’t want to lie…

It did already happen

To some friggin’ guy

Best mind screw yet though

The client didn’t have a clue

He shouted “This is my delusion!”

“Who the hell invited you???”

He claimed it wasn’t fun

On that we called bullshit

We know he actually enjoyed

Every damn minute of it

We’re still tuning the procedure

Making a few tweaks

But any minor side effects

Should only last two weeks

If you don’t like the experience

You won’t remember at all

We’ll give you a memory cap

But you could have total recall

Just understand the risks

We’re not exactly Club Med

If you’re looking for a refund

Then sue us, dickhead

The Armani suit and tie

Hair glistens with gel

When this prick struts by

Cologne is all you smell

Flashing the wink and gun

A classic walking cliche

Stepping out of his Porsche

Tossing the keys to the valet

Busy on his mobile phone

Smooth talking a movie deal

Trendiest restaurant in town

A high-end designer meal

No reservation needed

He’s already on the list

Shiny pair of Ray-Bans

Luxury watch on his wrist

His go to phrase…

“Let’s cut to the chase”

Followed by “babe”

And a nice jerky face

Craftsman of veiled insults

An astounding jackass

Witty and debonair

Nothing but first class

Heart of gold schmucko

Choicest of the batch

Ego the size of Uranus

With a bank account to match

Arrogance as an art form

A shining virtuoso

Pure inspired genius

From Mr. Slick Bozo

Leapin’ and lovin’

Whippin’ and whizzin’

Flippin’ and flyin’

Smilin’ and grinnin’

Sleeps on lush silk sheets

A sterling prince he seems

With champagne wishes

And caviar dreams

The feds built a case

Wire taps and bugs

Lengthy investigation

Photographing mugs

Recording conversations

Stakeouts around the clock

Gathering hard evidence

Witnesses who would talk

They brought in a wiseguy

Wingtips and gold rings

To stay out of a cage

This birdie really sings

The guy spilled his guts

Wasn’t goin’ down alone

Did it for a slice of pizza

And an ice cream cone

They offered him a deal

For witness protection

He took it like candy

There was no objection

He turned state’s evidence

And named some names

Laid out the whole scheme

No more fun and games

Loansharking and gambling

Fraud and racketeering

Very soon his goombas

Will surely be appearing

He testified to the grand jury

Discovery was granted

Plenty of indictments

The seeds were planted

Subpoenas and warrants

Criminal charges brought

Maximum sentences

The prosecution sought

The jury reached verdicts

Convictions handed out

Hundreds of years they got

The end of organized clout